Hi readers! In this post you will be witnessing my peer Fern's comment after reading my memoir. This is the editing stage of my memoir. By letting someone comment on your own writing, you are exposed to a new perspective you might not thought of before. This would then allow you to fix and improve your writing. That is what's occurring here. After you read Fern's comment, I would show you some points that I added into my memoir (can be found here), and why I added those in.
Please enjoy your reading and I hope you have a wonderful day.
Thank you for reading!
Dear Tan,
This is a story about your life as in your memories from March 13, 2020, until 24 Sep 2020. I particularly enjoyed it when you isolated yourselves from others. What resonates with me is the music you’ve put in; it really depicts the image of that moment. I’m interested in your behavior of being an introvert and the film called Your name. One detail that strikes me as significant is your song playlist because I found it very attractive and get along with the context very well. One detail that strikes me as random and could probably be cut is your Nintendo switch things because I did not find it significant much because it only appeared once in your reading. I don’t really have some advice for you because I think it is already a good memoir, a perfect one, but if I have to, I would say to describe more of your sister like in detail. One central theme in this story seems to be your isolation from the others. The ending ends very well with “HOW CAN YOU SING ABOUT LOVE ♪ ,♪ WHEN THE KIDS ARE ALL DYING ♪”. I really really really like it.
IMPROVEMENTS
After reading what Fern sent me, I thought about the major comments the Nintendo Switch scene and my sister's description.
Fern may have suggested me to cut out my Nintendo Switch scene but I decided not to. I added to it instead. The reason behind this would be how significant it is for me and my sister's relationship. Before she left for Britain, me and my sister was like oil and water. We couldn't connect whatsoever and would fight nearly all the time. That is why I used some "weird" words treating my sister like an animal at the beginning of the memoir. This soon changed when my sister and me started playing the Nintendo Switch. That was like the beginning of of our brother-sister relationship. What I added was:
"A small spark of connection was made from this small game. The connection that wasn’t previously there when she left for the United Kingdom. The connection that would last throughout the entirety of the Covid age and until the day I am writing this sentence. The connection that protected my family from loneliness."
This was to emphasize its importance.
The second comment was about my sister's description. This was something I really thought about but didn't really act upon it. I may have added a short section that would helped with my sister's description but a part from that, I really didn't do anything. The reason for this would be privacy and my point of view. In my view, this is a memoir about me and the time I had during the Covid age. During those time, her actions and appearance weren't really in my sight. The time we spent together was the highlight. That is the reason why I didn't really add to my sister's description.
And that would be all for the editing stage of my memoir.
Thank you for reading.
Comments